It is starting to get close to that time of year again. Take a look at your calendar, and you'll see that Halloween is quickly approaching and more specifically, Tuesday, November 3rd. Yes, this year we vote for the President of the United States of America. Here is a friendly remember not to look at your family Twitter and Facebook feeds before Thanksgiving if you're not aligned with being independent of other's thoughts.
Through my work and my own experiences I hear a lot of people asking, why can't I get along with my family? How do I deal with family drama, and how do I deal with manipulative family members?
For those of us who grew up with multiple siblings, close in age, it is hard to think that we would someday drift apart or worse yet not even talk. I remember my Grandfather would visit my family, he would always tell us kids that family is everything. Blood is thicker than water. Always stick up for your brothers and sisters. I took all of this to heart and tried to live a life of support and love for my siblings.
As we all started to grow into our 20s and 30s we did a lot of parting together. We would celebrate holidays, weddings, births, and birthdays all together. Alcohol was always present and plentiful for those who wanted it. And most of us did. Things were fine until life started to happen to us. Some of us lost jobs, some of us got divorced, some of us started doing well financially. All of this activity had affected every one of us. I could see different personality aspects come out and manifest before my eyes. Little jabs here and there. An unkind word or outright comment that was meant to hurt someone directly. I started to see a quick divide between brothers and sisters and worse yet I could see some of us ignore the other's behavior entirely.
Throughout my life, I have always liked to take my medicine early. I don't enjoy differing unpleasant experiences because I know they'll be waiting for me later. One of the tougher or more unpleasant realities I have had to face was the awareness that I was no longer the golden child or beloved brother. I was now the arrogant know it all and "college puke" who had a high paying corporate job.
This new persona took years to manifest but as I was climbing the corporate ladder, I was able to make more money and in turn purchase a nice home and some fancy cars. I was rewarding myself and my family with nice things. One of the things I liked to do was to invite my siblings out for a nice meal at a restaurant or buy expensive gifts for their kids. As it turns out this upset a few of my siblings. I also found out that the car I drove upset them as well. I had no idea that my success was upsetting to anyone and it caught me off guard.
One of the key areas I learned later in life is that even though my siblings and I all come from the same upbringing we have very different thoughts on politics. Yes, this is already a very polarizing subject but I always thought that because of my love for my brothers and sisters, I could always see their point of view and vice versa. Again, I have learned another lesson that this is not always the case.
Through my work and my own experiences I hear a lot of people asking, why can't I get along with my family? How do I deal with family drama, and how do I deal with manipulative family members?
For those of us who grew up with multiple siblings, close in age, it is hard to think that we would someday drift apart or worse yet not even talk. I remember my Grandfather would visit my family, he would always tell us kids that family is everything. Blood is thicker than water. Always stick up for your brothers and sisters. I took all of this to heart and tried to live a life of support and love for my siblings.
As we all started to grow into our 20s and 30s we did a lot of parting together. We would celebrate holidays, weddings, births, and birthdays all together. Alcohol was always present and plentiful for those who wanted it. And most of us did. Things were fine until life started to happen to us. Some of us lost jobs, some of us got divorced, some of us started doing well financially. All of this activity had affected every one of us. I could see different personality aspects come out and manifest before my eyes. Little jabs here and there. An unkind word or outright comment that was meant to hurt someone directly. I started to see a quick divide between brothers and sisters and worse yet I could see some of us ignore the other's behavior entirely.
Throughout my life, I have always liked to take my medicine early. I don't enjoy differing unpleasant experiences because I know they'll be waiting for me later. One of the tougher or more unpleasant realities I have had to face was the awareness that I was no longer the golden child or beloved brother. I was now the arrogant know it all and "college puke" who had a high paying corporate job.
This new persona took years to manifest but as I was climbing the corporate ladder, I was able to make more money and in turn purchase a nice home and some fancy cars. I was rewarding myself and my family with nice things. One of the things I liked to do was to invite my siblings out for a nice meal at a restaurant or buy expensive gifts for their kids. As it turns out this upset a few of my siblings. I also found out that the car I drove upset them as well. I had no idea that my success was upsetting to anyone and it caught me off guard.
One of the key areas I learned later in life is that even though my siblings and I all come from the same upbringing we have very different thoughts on politics. Yes, this is already a very polarizing subject but I always thought that because of my love for my brothers and sisters, I could always see their point of view and vice versa. Again, I have learned another lesson that this is not always the case.
As I continue on my journey through adulthood I've also noticed that my family never contacts me. I have one brother that I call on his birthday and he calls me on mine. Other than that we don't talk. In the past, my father would never call me and we would only talk when I called him. This was a wake-up call for me to be with my actions and my true feelings. It was time I started to be with the changes in me and my family and see what it was that I wanted out of my life with them.
As I started the work on myself I realize there were some things I needed to keep to myself. Mainly my judgment of them. I needed to support them when I could and shut my mouth when I knew nothing I could say would help them. I also started to find my true voice and start just being me. I would not apologize for my success but I would also not make it so uncomfortable for those who were struggling around me. This meant that I should be me aware and stop looking for attention or acknowledgment from my father or family members. I needed to be good with what I was doing and not look outside myself for validation.
I also started to stay away from family members that I did not resonate with. I had to stop putting myself in situations that were uncomfortable for me purely out of obligation. This meant that I would no longer go to parties with my whole family or select members of them. I'll be honest, this was not easy. I had to tell my family no, I will not be attending this event. It did, however, get easier over time. The first one was a bitch though.
The realization that sometimes you need to go back in order to move forward was a profound one for me. And I can share with you that over the years I have re-established my relationships with most of my family. We know have a better understanding of each other and mutual respect that was not there in the past.
So, as you approach this coming holiday and voting season, I wish you well and I wish you peace. Remember, start with how you feel in the presence of some or all of your family and act accordingly.
As I started the work on myself I realize there were some things I needed to keep to myself. Mainly my judgment of them. I needed to support them when I could and shut my mouth when I knew nothing I could say would help them. I also started to find my true voice and start just being me. I would not apologize for my success but I would also not make it so uncomfortable for those who were struggling around me. This meant that I should be me aware and stop looking for attention or acknowledgment from my father or family members. I needed to be good with what I was doing and not look outside myself for validation.
I also started to stay away from family members that I did not resonate with. I had to stop putting myself in situations that were uncomfortable for me purely out of obligation. This meant that I would no longer go to parties with my whole family or select members of them. I'll be honest, this was not easy. I had to tell my family no, I will not be attending this event. It did, however, get easier over time. The first one was a bitch though.
The realization that sometimes you need to go back in order to move forward was a profound one for me. And I can share with you that over the years I have re-established my relationships with most of my family. We know have a better understanding of each other and mutual respect that was not there in the past.
So, as you approach this coming holiday and voting season, I wish you well and I wish you peace. Remember, start with how you feel in the presence of some or all of your family and act accordingly.