Today was a growth day for me. I had to stop fixing something, or more accurately someone. That someone is my older brother John.
Today marks the end to old feelings of responsibility and judgment. You see, I have taken it upon myself to care for John since we were in grade school. This was my decision and not something he ever asked me to do.
My brother John and I are about 14 months apart in age and had shared a bedroom until he went to the Navy at age 18.
My brother John and I are about 14 months apart in age and had shared a bedroom until he went to the Navy at age 18.
He is a kind-hearted person and was always quiet and a bit shy. When he did speak with people outside the family he was a bit awkward and people would usually call him out on it. This started at an early age and stayed with him all his life.
When he got recruited to the Navy after earning his GED I believe my parents thought it would be good for him and his personal growth. After all my Grandfather served in the Navy and his stories were always about the fun and friendships he made there. Truth be told my Grandfather was a great boxer and would win many bouts for the Navy. So, he was given plumb jobs throughout his Navy days.
John wasn't a gifted fighter and he was not really interested in be a bosun's mate either. He found some peace in doing drugs and drinking alcohol. This lifestyle lead to being asked to leave the Navy after rehabilitation attempts failed.
When John returned home he had many years of substance abuse as well as homelessness.
When he got recruited to the Navy after earning his GED I believe my parents thought it would be good for him and his personal growth. After all my Grandfather served in the Navy and his stories were always about the fun and friendships he made there. Truth be told my Grandfather was a great boxer and would win many bouts for the Navy. So, he was given plumb jobs throughout his Navy days.
John wasn't a gifted fighter and he was not really interested in be a bosun's mate either. He found some peace in doing drugs and drinking alcohol. This lifestyle lead to being asked to leave the Navy after rehabilitation attempts failed.
When John returned home he had many years of substance abuse as well as homelessness.
In 2004 the final member of my departed mother's family had passed. I was the second oldest son and the most responsible so in my Grandmother's will, I was named the executor. I had possession of all my Grandmother's assets and one of them was her home. I needed to fix it up and sell it so I could liquidate her estate and distribute it among my brothers and sisters. I wanted to get John out of his current housing and out of a town that had a lot of influences on him. So I asked if he'd like to move into my grandmothers house while we fix it up. He agreed.
I knew that if I gave John any money he would spend it on alcohol or drugs so I gave him enough for cigarettes, the food I provided. He had no social network in this town so he couldn't "bum" money off his friends. This was a calculated risk on my part but it worked. He didn't want to stop smoking so he stopped drinking. He quickly found a local A.A. meeting and worked on his sobriety. He would find work here and there mostly through other A.A. member's support. Things were going better for him and he was happy to be sober.
As the years passed it became clear that I needed to help John with a plan for his future. He was getting older and still didn't have a place of his own. He also wasn't able to do the manual labor he once could. So I decided this year to ask for help through social security and the disability dept. I was armed with the information that John was diagnosed a few years back with cognitive issues as well as physical ones. He has also not had a legitimate job in several years. The SSI filings are straight forward but it is a process and takes many months. I followed all the procedures and filled out all the documents for John and had him be a part of all this work so he could understand what was going on.
Six months into the process I got a call that SSI would like him to take a physical and psychological exam to finalize their assessment of John's qualification. I was finally close to my goal of helping John secure a safe place to live. This is where I learned that I am not in control and that I can't fix everything or everyone.
On the day of the Psych exam, John's car lost its breaks and he couldn't drive it to my house for the video call. The psychologist and I called John together to see if we could set up a video call on the phone but to no avail. After the attempted call that day I was talking with John and noticed that he was getting upset with me. He told me that he wanted to be left alone now.
I knew that if I gave John any money he would spend it on alcohol or drugs so I gave him enough for cigarettes, the food I provided. He had no social network in this town so he couldn't "bum" money off his friends. This was a calculated risk on my part but it worked. He didn't want to stop smoking so he stopped drinking. He quickly found a local A.A. meeting and worked on his sobriety. He would find work here and there mostly through other A.A. member's support. Things were going better for him and he was happy to be sober.
As the years passed it became clear that I needed to help John with a plan for his future. He was getting older and still didn't have a place of his own. He also wasn't able to do the manual labor he once could. So I decided this year to ask for help through social security and the disability dept. I was armed with the information that John was diagnosed a few years back with cognitive issues as well as physical ones. He has also not had a legitimate job in several years. The SSI filings are straight forward but it is a process and takes many months. I followed all the procedures and filled out all the documents for John and had him be a part of all this work so he could understand what was going on.
Six months into the process I got a call that SSI would like him to take a physical and psychological exam to finalize their assessment of John's qualification. I was finally close to my goal of helping John secure a safe place to live. This is where I learned that I am not in control and that I can't fix everything or everyone.
On the day of the Psych exam, John's car lost its breaks and he couldn't drive it to my house for the video call. The psychologist and I called John together to see if we could set up a video call on the phone but to no avail. After the attempted call that day I was talking with John and noticed that he was getting upset with me. He told me that he wanted to be left alone now.
He was starting to see that his life could change from what he had known for almost forty years of his life. I told him everything would be fine and we could reset the appointment. We'd get his car fixed and go from there.
Two weeks had passed and no word from John. I tried calling and texting him every day but no answer. He was gone.
Two weeks had passed and no word from John. I tried calling and texting him every day but no answer. He was gone.
The fact that he is homeless, I had no idea where he was or where to I could find him. So, finally, I asked my wife, who is much sweeter and nicer than me to reach out to John and make sure he was ok. She left him a voice message and said send a thumbs up if you are ok and want us to leave you alone. An hour later a text came in from John. Thumbs up!
Earlier today I got a call from the SSI adjudicator letting me know that John had called her back to say he was no longer interested in receiving help from her of SSI or SSD. He said he was working and feeling fine and that he didn't want to jump through any more of their "hopes". She let him know that he could still work and still get some help to make his life a bit better, but his answer was still no.
My idea of a better life is clearly different than his. I am the one truly suffering as I watch him struggle. I took on his pain. None of this was mine to take. It is all John's. I do not have a right to tell him how to live. Even if I think I know better. This life is a free-will experience. We all get to chose who we are and how we want to exist on this planet.
I thank John for his guidance. He has helped me understand that even though his life doesn't messure up to my standards, it doesn't make him wrong to live it his way.
Earlier today I got a call from the SSI adjudicator letting me know that John had called her back to say he was no longer interested in receiving help from her of SSI or SSD. He said he was working and feeling fine and that he didn't want to jump through any more of their "hopes". She let him know that he could still work and still get some help to make his life a bit better, but his answer was still no.
My idea of a better life is clearly different than his. I am the one truly suffering as I watch him struggle. I took on his pain. None of this was mine to take. It is all John's. I do not have a right to tell him how to live. Even if I think I know better. This life is a free-will experience. We all get to chose who we are and how we want to exist on this planet.
I thank John for his guidance. He has helped me understand that even though his life doesn't messure up to my standards, it doesn't make him wrong to live it his way.
John has given me the gift of letting go and truly being in observation not judgment.
Thank you, John!
Thank you, John!
Your brother,
Christopher